Let It Go Wrong

There are aspects of my life that could have gone better. There were people I could have gone without knowing, hurtful words I wish I never heard, experiences I wish didn’t weigh so heavy on my heart when the dread creeps in. 

 

I used to dismiss the bad memories and hurt, wanting to leave them in the past and numb myself to whatever negative emotions surface when I think about them; but yet I still carry them with me, weighing on my mind when I make decisions, lurking as I recognize familiar patterns. To say I learned nothing from those hurtful and frustrating periods of my life would be to neglect the most grounding parts of myself. Why I hurt more than most in certain circumstances. Why I can read people before they even speak. Why I share so openly about struggles. Why I guard my heart from certain people. 

 

If it were not for these experiences I wished to rid myself of, it would not have brought me beautiful moments that bloomed into something more. I would not have been able to recognize the pain someone else carries, to be able to relate to them so they could feel seen for the first time. I would not be able to speak from experience of how I discovered kindness from pain. I would not be able to grow and connect with others if I was not made to realize where I fell short. I would not be able to enter vulnerable spaces with genuine love and understanding had it not been for these trials I faced.  

 

There are just as many—if not more—constant aspects of my life that could have gone so terribly wrong but didn’t. There are people who could have hated me for my heart, but opened theirs to me. There are experiences I was so afraid of initiating that turned into my favorite memories. There is so much hurt in loss that comes from the beauty of loving someone or something so completely, I may never feel satisfied with the time we had. 

 

What a tragedy to fear the dread of experience, and to withhold your own happiness at the sake of not feeling, not giving, into the opportunities to love, live, and be able to see the meaning even in the unfortunate events we carry with us.